Ahmmm... "I Feel Sooo.... LOW, DOWN, SAD..." Thinking: "Am I a Loser?" Ayoko mag-Apir!!!

To everyone who's concern, please give a little time to read this... Hope you'll know me more... Tnx!!!

I don't know if its woth it writing/typing or even post the way I'm feelin' now on ma' blog... i dunno... but for me, it's an another way of an outlet instead of shouting it out loud or keepin' it up on myself. I'm not an expressive person... I kept everything inside of me... bihira ako magsabi ng problema ko sa iba... minsan kahit sinabi ko na, di pa diretsahan, laging example based... On the other side, minsan, even I hate or I don't like the person, I still can managed to go along with him/her without anything... basta nakikisama lang ako sa trip niya/nila... I don't know... that's my personality & even I kinda' explode & burst into anger like a bomb... I still can hold myself... Maybe your thinkin' that there's someone that I'm mad with right now... nah!!! I don't have any... I don't have any enemies too... I'm a happy person & I don't want any misunderstandings... "Nagpapatalo na nga lang ako lagi eh!" I think that I'm a big loser!!! On the contrary... if I like the person naman, sometimes I tell him/her that "Alam mo, ayos ka! Apir!" or most usually, I'm showin' it through actions or givin' anything... minsan I give some guitar picks as a remembrance or I treat the person I like... mas kaya ku gawin kaysa sabihin... for me: "Action speaks louder than words." Ayun, pero kahit na gawin ku un, ma-appreciate man nila un o hindi, mag-thank you man sila o hindi, basta makita ko lang sa mukha nila na nag-smile sila, happy na aku... kc for me, SMILING is a word... although it's an action, it's like a word for me that even they say nothin', I know that they appreciate the things I've done to them... I am not also asking anything in return... mas nahihiya nga aku pag may parang kabayaran o pinapalitan nila ang ginagawa ku eh... Hindi aku nagtatanim ng utang na loob or anything... I'm just happy to GIVE... Give the person/s that i'm happy to be with especially if the person is someone Very Important or Special tome... Napakasaya ko kapag nakikita ko ung Special person na yun na masaya, naka-ngiti at naa-appreciate ang ginagawa ko. Kahit walang thank you, basta nag-SMILE lang siya, OK na aku!!! Kahit nga lang sa text eh, pag nakita ko name niya sa cell ku, Ayos!!! buo na araw ko at masaya na akong magta-trabaho, parang wala ng pagod... Mababaw lang hindi ba? I appreciate little things... Maybe your thinkin': "Does he have an issue or regrets bout' the things that he'd done or bout' his personality?" To tell you guys: "I don't have anny issues or neither have regrets on the things that I've done!!!" "I am HAPPY for waht I've done for them... and their SMILES will cannot be bought or replaced by any amount!!!" Ahmm... I just want you to know guys who I am... the real me... the way I am. Yeah, a I'm kinda loser but I like being a loser if I make somebody happy... & SMILING!!!

I wrote this b'coz... ahmm... I don't know... I felt like there's some butterflies flyin & gliding around my stomach & I don't like the feeling... I want punch anything, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to... to... ewan... Ayoko mag-mura... bawal un eh... I don't have any idea what's goin' on with me right now... I hate what I'm feelin' right now... parang laging may kulang... parang laging may hinihintay... parang laging may iniisip... parang laging may inaabangan... parang laging may tinatanong... parang laging nag-iisip kung ano na... parang laging nakikiramdam... parang laging natatakot... parang laging walang masabi... parang laging nahihiya... parang laging may gustong sabihin pero di-masabi... parang laging... parang laging... KAMOTE!!! Aaarrrgggg!!! I dunno!!! Ano kaya ito??? Alam ko naman sa sarili ko ang sagot, pero bakit ako ganito? I felt this everyday... but I don't tell anyone... i kept it only in myself... b'coz I don't want anyone feel sorry or feel pity on me... I'm not pathetic... it's not my ego, it's not my pride... kaya kong alisin un at hindi ako egoistic & ma-pride na tao... Ewan, I just don't want anyone na parang problemahin pa nila ako... basta I know in myself that if I can't carry it any more... I'll ask help... But, maybe you'll ask: "Why you wrote this & post it on blog at i-broadcast pa? Di mo na ba kaya?" Well, kaya ko pa mga tsong & tsang (right now)... I just want you to know that this is what I feel everytime... And if you feel it everytime... you need an outlet to express it... I can express it on music by playin' ma' guitar & sing some songs or compose, but its only me that can hear my music, ako pa din ang nag-a-absorb nun... nilabas ko nga, pero bumalik din sakin... ironic noh? Kaya ku pa din, but by doin' this, postin' it & read by you... it's a big relief for me that you have time get know of me more. Ayun... Tnx for your time readin' this...

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Bakit ganun...? I don't know if my feeling was right...? Wala naman masama kung...? But, is it ok kung...? I wish na kahit konti lang, meron din...? Sana, lagi ko...? Sana, ganun din ang...? Ano kaya kung...? Will I tell...? Kaya ko ba kung...? Eh kung ganun nga, ano na ang...? Sana hindi... Minsan lang naman ako magka-...? Sana... sana... sana... ???

Darn...